The struggle is real, my friends. You are not alone. If you're feeling anything like I have been lately... It's like a desperate crawl upwards to get back in the "game" to really jump start this year.
I read yesterday this question: "What helps you focus on your conscious choices instead of judging others?"
It acted as a source of inspiration. (Not so much because I find myself in judgment of others, per se, but more so in judgment of MYSELF! Ahhhhhh...Uggghh! Anyhow...)
The answer, for me, as you might hear me say far too many times, is writing. And swimming. And surfing. And kayaking... But yes...
Sitting in the first class of my second quarter of counseling psychology yesterday, I was overwhelmed with a sense of FINALLY!!!
Five weeks away from what I am so desperately passionate about learning - the mind, consciousness, integrated living, overcoming blockages, AND MORE! - I began to see my headspace drive off track far too many times over the holidaze...
What am I doing with my life? Am I happy? Why does happy have to matter so much? I should go do something. Ohhhhh, but it's the holidays. Relax. Eat some more. Oh my GOD, I have eaten so much. Is it the New Year yet? F***! It's the New Year. What goals do I set? Why don't I have a goal? Am I on the right track? What am I doing WITH MY LIFE!!!
AHHHHHHHH (screaming at myself)..... HA! (laughing at myself).
And then it happened.
My professor, Dr. Watson, asked us all to keep an ongoing journal of our "AH HA" moments as we move along in our course.
"It should make you uncomfortable now and then," she says. "This class is like swimming in the deep end."
I LOVE SWIMMING IN THE DEEP END!
"So buckle in," she adds.
What Dr. Watson was referring to was how the course, Psychology of Relationships, will bring us all the way back to our innocent, precious childhoods to help us understand why we might be making some of the decisions we are making, lovers we are taking... or not taking... and so forth!
(And since we are doing all this inner navigating, it would be a shame to not stop to make our own, personal roadmaps!)
So at what point did I start judging myself so much? And why?
Why do I have a tendency to sometimes second guess myself?
Why do I sometimes... okay, way too many times... take this all out on my brave, brave husband?
As stated in one of our (many!) course texts, Getting the Love You Want, by Dr. Hendrix Harville...
"Marriage is a psychological and spiritual journey that begins in the ecstasy of attraction, meanders through a rocky stretch of self-discovery, and culminates in the creation of an intimate, joyful, lifelong union. Whether or not you realize the full potential of this vision depends not on your ability to attract the perfect mate..."
"But on your willingness to acquire knowledge about the hidden parts of yourself."
Whether your unique voyage to union is alone, together, sometimes alone, sometimes together... in my mind... it's all the same.
There will be high points. There will be low points. There will be sunny days. There will be dark nights. But surely, so long as you're staying awake behind the wheel...
You will get "there" when you get there.
So let's enjoy the ride. And journal.
Are you stopping to make note of your lessons along life's journey? What would your "AH HA" journal look like these days? Are they AHHHH! (screaming) HA moments, or are they Ahhhhh ha moments?